|4/27/18||So, so it begins. The fresh start begun when we walked out onto the back porch and back into the kitchen. I will not cower, and I will not allow a stupid bad habit to roll over my life and soul anymore. I will, as don Juan in the Castenada books put it, simply leave it alone. There might be a creative project to pursue on all the topic and subject matter that has been invoved for me with all of it, but that will come later. After I do the "interior work", as Robert Bly called it, that I need to do to build myself back up into who and what I really am or choose to be from here. What that is is who I really am at my core. And it’s not the degenerate wretch and pathetic gambler that I have become far to often when I play the putrid slots in any casino I go and start to get loser in. It’s a long time since it’s been hardly anything but that way. So I say begone you scmuck assed addicted pecker-neck that is the me of those all too consistently awful and repetitive loops. I get loser every time i start to lose. Period. End of story. There’s no romance or drama to it, beyond it making me feel the fool and ashamed of myself every time I do it.
And just writing that much about it is enough. LIke I said, if I ever get to the point where I’m actually getting paid to write for fun and profit maybe there’s a story, or script treatment, or screenplay in all of it. I’ll think about that when I’m back above the depression zone and trying to make things work creatively in a reasonably hopeful manner again. Someday soon, I hope, someday soon.